SO, I’M AN INTROVERT. I’M NOT BORED OR SAD. THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME!

Yes, I am happiest alone and tend to shy away from people as much as I can.  As I grow older, I realize it’s because I am somewhat of an empath. Energy transfers and a lot of y’all have fucked up energy! Even many that I love have horrible energy and I have no desire to feel it. Even when you’re not complaining, the fact that you’re not happy in life weighs heavy on a empath’s heart.

I used 2 be the type who helped everyone and was somewhat of a fixer. If I could fix your issues, your self-esteem or help you pay your bills, I would but that shit is emotionally and financially draining. I’m over it and have divorced that part of my former self. In result, I also divorced many friendships willingly.

Now, I enjoy my peace. It doesn’t mean I don’t like you…but if you can’t share my space often, it might mean your energy just drains me. Have you ever gotten off the phone with someone and you all of a sudden were physically tired and depressed, but right before the call you were happy and energetic? I don’t mean a call that delivered bad news or a death but a regular call from the homie? That means energy transferred now you are carrying their vibe with you, until you shake it off or transfer it back to someone else. I hate that feeling. I no longer wish to take on other people’s emotions. By myself, I’m chill with no drama. Except my drama of motherhood but that’s my entertainment!

I have friends who think they are being sweet, but they get on my nerves tryna force me to be positioned in social situations. I try to explain it to them, but they don’t get it. I don’t need more friends, I don’t want nobody else calling my phone, I aint tryna hang out. I’m tryna chill at Chuck E Cheese, not a bar, a social gathering, or anywhere with these grown folks. I could be doing something with my kid! I’ve spent my entire life being social. I literally want to spend some time being left alone. I don’t see why that’s so hard to understand.

My whole point in writing this was to say preserve your mental health by guarding the energy you allow to share your personal space.

THE BEGINNING (WHAT HAPPENED WHEN A GOAT BULLIED ME)

In 1975, the Steelers won the Super Bowl 16-6 beating the Minnesota Vikings and Arthur Ashe won Wimbledon. Microsoft became a registered trademark of the Microsoft Corp. The Vietnam War ended, and a loaf of bread was $0.33. The unemployment rate was 5.6% and I was born that November.

I always knew I was different.  You see, in 1977 my mother and I got an official police escort out of the Pittsburgh Zoo. My mom thought it would be fun to take me to the petting zoo. I thought it smelled gross and there was a pesky goat that kept nipping at my shoestrings and that annoyed me to no end. I have always had a shoe fetish and didn’t appreciate that dirty little goat messing up my brand new, fresh blue suede Adidas. First, I yelled at it to stop then pushed it off of me. When the goat persisted in eating my shoelace for lunch, I did what l was taught to do, protect me and mine. I pulled my fist back as far as I could and gave it to the goat right in the dome piece. That’s right! I hit that goat as hard as I could right in the face. When I looked down, I was so upset that my shoelace was all tattered and unraveled that I felt like the goat needed to learn a lesson. I guess I went a little overboard because before I knew it, I was being picked up and kicked out. How embarrassing for my mother. I wasn’t the slightest bit embarrassed. In fact, I was ready to leave because the hot dogs were nasty, it smelled bad, and the popcorn was cold. Also, I had another funny story to go home and tell my brother, Mark and my granddaddy. I skipped all the way out of the zoo while I reassured my mother that we really didn’t want to be at that stinky place anyway. She just laughed while 6 men followed behind us like we needed them to show us where the exit gate was.

Now that I am older, it’s hysterical looking back and realizing that my first real fight was with a goat. Who does that? But that fight was my foundation and stands for so much more than just a tussle over my shoestrings. Fighting is all I know. I have no problem fighting when my personal space is disrespected. I have no problem fighting for things I want. Don’t get wrong, I am not a bully nor do I cause any problems. But if you get in my way, you better watch yourself because we’ve got problems.  Fortunately, you won’t have to watch your back because I will let you know to your face that you are about to get punched in the nose! I believe in giving a warning before I cause destruction. SMH. Sorry, Momma I was hell on wheels, and you are right, I am getting it all back though my daughter! LOL.

I FAIL A LOT!

I fail a lot, but it doesn’t mean I give up! Sure, it can be discouraging but I have 2 choices.

  1. Sit around and feel sorry for myself.
  2. Get my ass up and try harder. I do not mind hard work.

1 thing entertainment taught me is to get back up. See statistics say you get 1 job outa 100 auditions. So, the world never gets to see all the no’s, the failures or the hard work, all they see are your victories! Sure, the victories are cool, but they are not what builds the character. I can’t even count how many times I have failed but I can count my wins!

As an actor I have 42 credits, 12 producer credits, 2 writer credits, 5 casting department credits and 20 TV appearance credits as myself. Not too shabby for 36 years.

Also, the failed businesses… I started a shoe line…it was cute but short lived. I opened a restaurant. Yeah, pretty much the same story. Cute ideas, neither were my ideas or my passions but I tried it. It didn’t make me any money, both actually cost me money, but they taught me great lessons! I went into business with people who had ideas but lacked passion. I have passion so I became engulfed with how to make their visions work. See you can’t want more for others than they want for themselves, it’s a waste of your time and energy. For me, it was a waste of my name and a brand I built without them. So, when the businesses failed, I was the one who took the ” L”. And that’s okay because I tried. If I never tried, I would have never learned. Never let anyone use your brand when they are lacking passion. If it’s their idea, they need to be bringing more to the table than you and working twice as hard.

The people who are most successful at business are those who are passionate about it.

Find your passion and never be afraid to fail.

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I OFTEN WONDER HOW PEOPLE PERCEIVE REALITY

When I lived in California, I had a strange relationship with going out in public. It was just weird. I honestly started to hate it and became a hermit. People think Hollywood is like Disneyland but fail to realize actors are just like Mickey Mouse without a big costume head. Below are 3 conversations that I had with people that flipped the script and turned me into the bad guy.

Fan: “How’s Hollywood?”

Me: Hollywood is built off a story from someone’s mind…. make believe like Disneyland. Fake tits, ass, lips. Fame is given and taken.  It’s all entertainment. The ones not smart enough to realize all this shit’s fake seek a life that will never be real and kill themselves tryna live a life that doesn’t exist.

Fan: “I see you’re in a bad mood.”

Me: “Not at all….”

He walked away mad. LOL

 

Fan Guy 2: “Where’s Brandon?”

Me: “Dude, are you serious?”

Fan Guy 2: “Yeah!”

Me: “Dead.  The show’s been off for 30 years, dude.”

We both just stood there looking at each other. I finally walked away thinking this can’t be my life.  Lord, please NO MORE dumbasses today.

 

This next one happens often and it’s awkward. I hate it.

“What’s it like growing up on TV?”

Me: “I dunno? I don’t have any other life to compare it to.”

Then people get mad like my answer wasn’t good enough, so I have to ask, “Well, what’s it like NOT growing up on TV?”

This question brings more strange looks, like I’m supposed to know. Hahahaha.  I’m not a mean person but I am a real person.  I think the humanization of people who have been on TV is a real conversation more adults need to have with their children because there are some grown ass confused people in the world.

Like not to be mean, but when I’m asked, “Where’s Punky?” or “Where’s Waldo?” do they expect me to pull them outta my pocket? I don’t fucking know? But I’m a bitch if I say that so I say nothing and give them an awkward smile. Then, we can all feel weird together.

Yes, this is a “Fuck my life” moment. Hahaha. Whatever, maybe you will understand, maybe you won’t.